Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Six And A Half Ways To Get Up Off Your Lazy Butt And Motivate Yourself To Do Something

I haven’t done a Top 5, or Big 3, or List O’ My Fave Fat Finger Mistakes lately so today we are going to do just that and venture off into a plane of more than mere existence and journey where no Overweight American Sluggard has ever gone before (no, I am not talking about the gym).

Einstein says: "Seex and Von Haaf is goot!"

Today I will regale you with:
The Top Six And A Half Ways To Get Up Off Your Lazy Butt And Motivate Yourself To Do Something!

And when I say something, I mean ANYTHING!

Yes, this means you, you thirty year old male still living in your parents basement for no other good reason except that you want to keep up the payments on your subscription to GAME FLY.

If you have a dream, why NOT go for it? What’s stopping you? Money? Time? The fact that you don’t want to get your pretty little hands dirty?

Well I say STOP IT!

Er, that is, I mean stop being lazy or procrastinate-ive about it...  (Yes I made that word up)...

Stop being all down in the mouth and mopey about it and GET UP AND START DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

But, why 6 and a half? Why not just 6? Or just 5? Or how about an even 7?

Well there’s your FIRST problem!

Stop asking questions and just go with it would you?? It’s SIX and a HALF because I SAID SO!

That’s right... I got up off my voluminous butt this morning and decided that today would be a SIX and a HALF day. So there!

So, without further ado AND with no further stupid questions... (I’m watching you...) HERE THEY ARE!

#6 - GOTTA BREAK SOME EGGS TO MAKE THAT OMELET (yes, I am going backwards today)
What’s your dream? What is it that you want to do? Doesn’t matter what it is, any dream or goal that you have. Now, picture that goal in your mind. Got it? Can you see it? Is it sitting there like a cute little fluffy and innocent baby seal pup cooing and whining that it wants you to pick it up? Yes?
That’s right... do it! Kill that stupid little dream of yours with a baseball bat and then kick it a few times with your boot!
But Paul! I mean, Mr. Carter... why on earth would you do that for?
Because you need to realize that YOU have control over your dreams. If you just let them sit there looking all cute and cuddly but NEVER pick them up and try to make them into something real, then you are a willing participant in the greatest scheme ever known to man: SELF DELUSION.
STOP deluding yourself! You have to get messy to make your dreams come true. Sometimes you have to club that baby seal to death in order to realize it was never a baby seal at all but rather a nasty little Chimera that NEEDED to be slaughtered.
You did a good thing. Enjoy it.

Go on. Touch it. You know you want to. Everybody wants to. You would not be human if you didn’t want to touch the nice shiny new Lamborghini sitting on the dealer’s showroom floor. Or how about the new puppy in the pet store window? Or... how about that dessicated mummy at the museum? Wouldn’t it be great to just one time reach out there and grab a hold of Amenhotep’s hanging shard of cloth and unroll that old geezer until he stands stark-mummy-naked in front of the whole third grade class that has made your entire supposedly relaxing day at the museum into a migraine inducing nightmare?
Yea, we’d be in jail, right?
But, unlike Amenhotep’s ancient attire, you HAVE to touch your dreams to make them real. There’s no other way. If you put them up on display in your living room so only a few people close to you can see them, well, that’s cool I guess. But don’t come crying to me when you realize you never realized your dreams.
See, in order to make a dream “come true”, or, in other words, to achieve a goal, you HAVE to break the protective display glass you have put them under and reach out and take them down and play with them like that Special Collector’s Edition Lord Sauron replica doll from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King movie that your mom told you to never open but you did and now it’ll be worth nothing and you’ll have no retirement!
Do it! Play with Sauron’s one Good Eye! You might find you like it! 

Ever seen an alligator dance up close? Well, ok, me neither. But I HAVE seen it on the Discovery channel and man let me tell you that is some BAD ASS dance moves those mutha’s got.
I’m referring of course to the method alligators use to subdue and kill their prey.
When an alligator is hungry for a snack he will latch on to whatever is nearby with his giant alligator teeth and his massive jaws and then he will pull it under water where he proceeds to twist his muscular body around all snake-like so that it can’t get away and then he keeps it underwater until it drowns or taps out or promises to give him a pedicure or something and then he will chomp and slather and throw pieces of it around like a prized beach ball until he gets tired of playing and then swallows it whole.
THAT is how you should approach your dreams and goals. Tear them mutha’s up and swallow ‘em whole!

#3 - SHARE WITH OTHERS (even if they don’t want it)
Yes, eat up my little pretties! Eat more! That’s right... keep eating... it’s good for you!
Here’s my take on this. I have been doing this writer gig for a while now. I have seen some things, and some stuff, and I wouldn’t recommend it.
Actually, I DO recommend it... that is, if you got the stomach.
Do ya?
Do ya got the stomach? Cuz it’s not for everybody.
But, if you think you wanna trail along like me and trek into the great unknown of indie writer-ship, why should you go blind?
I haven’t seen it ALL, but I have seen SOME stuff. And I believe that if I have been there and done that then why not share that with the rest of you’s?
Take it. Leave it. I don’t care. But at least I put it out there for you, if you want it. And you can do the same. It might help some other poor schlob out there to get out of a rut.

Wait... isn’t this something you’re NOT supposed to do? I mean, won’t you need them at some point?
A HA! Gotcha! I threw that in there to see if you were still paying attention! Nice job, grasshopper!
No, what I mean by this is DO NOT let the Negative Ned’s and Nellie’s pull you down. There’s always someone out there who you THINK is looking out for you and who you THINK has your best interests at heart and you THINK they always have the best advice.
Well, I say that if there’s something out there you REALLY want to achieve, and it’s not causing your family to live in a car and eat Ramen every night and day... then why SHOULDN’T you do it? Why would you let someone stop you?
OK, so someone REALLY might mean well and might REALLY have your best interests at heart. Does that make them right?
Think about it...

Man, if I hear another person say “I’m hungry. What’s for dinner?” I am going to SCREAM. How should I know what’s for dinner? Do I look like some kind of freaking Emeril clone who can grab a can of tomato paste and some hard breadsticks and make a freaking gourmet Italian dinner for five? Huh? Do I???
(pant, pant, pant)
Ok, I am calm now.
Actually, I LOVE to cook. And I love to cook for my family and that INCLUDES my hungry children (love you kids!!)
But there comes the time when the little birdies have to learn to fly on their own.
And the same goes for your dreams and goals. If you have made it this far then you have already done steps 6 through 2, correct? So that means you have killed the seal, touched the mummy, danced with alligators, force fed your friends, and left your family in the dust.
So, the time comes now when you have to GIVE YOUR DREAMS SOME WINGS!
Let them fly!
Push them out’da nest and see if they either 1) flop dead to the ground, or 2) fly up into the tree next to you and sit there chattering away about how pissed off they are that you kicked them out of the nest. Hopefully that’s the result you get. Hey, at least they are outta your hair, right?

So, if you have made it this far and done all this stuff written above (man are YOU a sucker!!) then it is time for you now to move on to the next project!
That’s right! Moss won’t grow on Mick Jagger’s balls or something like that.
Don’t just sit there and waste away thinking and wondering if what you just completed will be the next big thing or just another nothing... go out and make ANOTHER thing!
I read somewhere that authors, especially INDIE authors must have MULTIPLE projects (books) listed to seem “professional”. I know... that’s a turd in the punchbowl. But such is life.
I also read somewhere that the MAGIC NUMBER is 3. As in three BOOKS. Once you get three legit books out there on your Amazon page then something clicks in the mouse’s mind and he suddenly finds a path through the maze all the way to the page where he can buy your book. That’s a real thing... NASA funded test or something like that.

Anyway, get out there and do your thing and then KEEP doing your thing over and over again until you get to a point where you think it’s OK to stop.

But don’t stop. Keep going. Like a shark, it’s the only way to survive.




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